Attraction · L1 · Strong and weak behavioral cues

Steady isn't overpowering

Second date at a coffee shop. Rachel glances at her phone a few times while you're talking. You remember your buddy Tyler's advice: "Hold your frame. If she checks her phone, tell her to look at you, or throw a little jab so she knows who's in charge."

Right now, which move is the steadiest?

Pick one answer

Lesson notes

A summary of this lesson to come back to. To make it stick, work through the steps above.

By the end you'll be able to

Explain why putting her down or ordering her to look at you is itself a sign of being unsteady.

Key ideas

Frame, redefined
No putting down

Rewriting "frame"

Old-school "frame control" means getting the other person to live inside your reality: she has to back down and go along, or you haven't won. We don't teach that. When we say steady, we only mean your own emotions and expression: saying things clearly, hearing disagreement, staying intact when someone says no.

Needing to overpower someone is itself unsteady

Pleasing and putting down look like opposites, but underneath they run on the same fear: one is afraid of being disliked, the other of losing control. Someone truly steady doesn't need the other person to submit to feel okay. So he can say what he thinks clearly, and let her disagree or even leave.

Take these with you

✓Steady here means your own emotions and expression are steady, not that she submits.
✓Put-downs, orders and the cold shoulder come from fear of losing control. They're unsteady in themselves.
✓A steady person can say clearly what he thinks and still let her disagree or leave.

This week's mission

This week, when you disagree with someone, say "I see it a bit differently" once, then really listen to their reasons.