Attraction · L1 · Real and fake confidence

Let yourself be nervous

At a bookstore, the woman next to you picks up a novel you just finished. You want to say, "The ending of that one really got me," but your heart is pounding so hard your ears feel hot. You order yourself: "Don't be nervous. Nervous means you lose." The harder you push, the more flustered you get, and by the time you look up, she's at the register.

Next time a moment like this comes up, what's most likely to help you actually speak?

Pick one answer

Lesson notes

A summary of this lesson to come back to. To make it stick, work through the steps above.

By the end you'll be able to

Admit you're scared, take the next step anyway, and don't attack yourself for being afraid.

Key ideas

Allowing nerves
Denying fear

Deny the fear, and it grows

When you're nervous and add "I shouldn't be nervous," you stack on a second layer of pressure: one layer is the fear, the other is blaming yourself for it. You're fighting your feelings and trying to talk at the same time. No wonder you freeze.

Allowing isn't backing down

Allowing nerves doesn't mean "I'm scared, so I won't." It means two things are true at once: I'm scared, and I'm still taking this next step. Courage isn't the absence of fear. It's acting while you're afraid.

Give the nerves a name

When your heart speeds up, say to yourself: "I'm really nervous right now." That isn't weakness. Putting a feeling into words can turn its intensity down a notch, which leaves you room for the next step.

Take these with you

✓Denying nerves adds a second layer of pressure, so you freeze up and want to bolt.
✓Allowing isn't backing down: I'm scared, and I'm still taking this next step.
✓Name the feeling first, then take the smallest step.

This week's mission

This week, in a moment that makes you a bit nervous, say "I'm nervous" to yourself first, then do one small thing anyway, like asking a question or saying hi.