The 36 Questions to Fall in Love: What the Research Really Says

Answer 36 questions, stare into each other's eyes for four minutes, and you'll fall in love with anyone. That's the internet version. The real story is smaller, and more useful.

The 36 questions to fall in love come from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues. Pairs of college students who didn't know each other took turns answering 36 questions in three sets, each set more personal than the last, for about 45 minutes. Compared with pairs who spent the same time on small talk, they came away feeling closer to each other.

That's the finding: gradual, mutual self-disclosure can build a sense of closeness between strangers, fast. The study didn't show that people fall in love, and it wasn't trying to.

The love part came later. In 2015, a New York Times essay described a writer working through the questions with an acquaintance, and the two of them ended up together. The four minutes of eye contact is part of the version that spread online. After that, "36 questions to make anyone fall in love" became one of the internet's favorite promises. Here's what the research does and doesn't support, and how to borrow from it without turning a date into a survey.

What Aron's study actually did

The researchers wanted a reliable, repeatable way to create closeness between two people in a lab, so they could study how closeness forms. Plenty of later studies have used the same procedure as a research tool.

The setup was simple. Two strangers got three sets of questions and about 15 minutes per set. They took turns reading the questions aloud, and both of them answered every one. The sets felt very different from each other:

• Set one is mostly light. If you could have anyone in the world over for dinner, who would it be? What would a perfect day look like for you?
• Set two gets into values and memories. What's your most treasured memory? If you knew you'd die suddenly a year from now, would you change anything about how you live?
• Set three is about the two of you, and the tender stuff. Take turns making three true "we" statements. When did you last cry in front of another person?

Even set one isn't all small talk. "Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?" is in there. The list was built for two people who knew they were in an experiment and had agreed to go along with it. It wasn't built for a Tuesday night at a wine bar.

Why gradual, mutual questions build closeness

Three things are doing the work, and they only work together.

It's gradual. Each question is only a little more personal than the one before. Social penetration theory, a long-standing idea in relationship psychology, describes closeness as moving inward in layers: wide and shallow first, then narrower and deeper. Jump straight to the center and people get guarded. One small step at a time, and they keep up.

It's mutual. Both people answer every question. Nobody only asks, and nobody only talks. Disclosure tends to invite disclosure at a similar level, so the gap closes from both sides at once.

Each answer gets received. Closeness doesn't just come from what you say. It comes from how the other person responds: whether they understood, whether they seemed to care. Relationship researchers call this responsiveness.

That's why reading the list off your phone usually falls flat. If you're scanning for the next question while they're still answering, the gradual part and the mutual part are still there, but the being-heard part is gone.

What the 36 questions don't promise

Love. The study measured how close people felt right afterward, not whether they'd date, stay together or be good for each other.

Compatibility. Values, daily rhythms and how someone treats you, and the server, aren't things a 45-minute exercise can answer.

A willing partner. People in the lab knew what they'd signed up for and could stop. Your date did not agree to a 36-item questionnaire.

Real knowledge of each other. Talking deep and fast can leave you feeling like you've known each other for years. That feeling is real, but it isn't the same as actually knowing someone. When the speed of intimacy runs way ahead of how long you've known each other, that's also a classic opening move in love bombing, and worth a second look.

8 of the 36 questions that work on a date

Most of the original 36 don't belong on a first date. These eight, from the first two sets, are light enough for early dates and still tell you a lot. Three ground rules: two or three questions per date is plenty, answer first yourself, and follow up on their answer before moving on. Our lesson on curious questions has practice for turning filler questions into real ones.

1. "If you could have anyone in the world over for dinner, who would it be?"

The answer usually shows who someone admires or wonders about. It slides in naturally once you've ordered: "I was just thinking about this. I'd pick Dolly Parton. I want to know how someone stays that kind for decades in that business. You?"

2. "Would you like to be famous? For what?"

You hear a little about ambition and about which part of themselves they'd want people to see. Easy to bring up when someone's phone lights up with a viral video: "I'd only want to be famous for something tiny. Best parallel parker in Ohio."

3. "Before you make a phone call, do you rehearse what you're going to say?"

Almost everyone says yes, so it lets both of you admit a little nervousness without making it heavy. "I still rehearse calling in a pizza order. Then they say 'pickup or delivery?' and I panic anyway."

4. "When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?"

It's unexpected and usually funny. Karaoke disasters and car-singing confessions come out fast. Best asked when a song comes on wherever you are.

5. "What would a perfect day look like for you?"

This shows how someone actually wants to live: busy or quiet, planned or loose, with people or alone. When they finish, a good follow-up is: "Is there any piece of that you could do this week?"

6. "If you could wake up tomorrow with one new quality or ability, what would you pick?"

It touches, lightly, on what they wish were different about themselves. Start with an easy one: "I'd take falling asleep the second my head hits the pillow." Sometimes their answer is more serious than yours. Then just listen.

7. "Is there something you've wanted to do for a long time but haven't? What's stopping you?"

A dream plus whatever's in the way. It's a step deeper than the others and still safe, so save it for once you've both relaxed. "I've wanted to learn to surf for about six years. My excuse has upgraded from 'no time' to 'sharks.'" When they share theirs, resist the urge to coach them through it.

8. "What's your most treasured memory?"

Warm and personal, and it often brings out family or old friends. It fits later in a date. Go first with something small and happy, and let them pass if they want to.

The 36 questions to save for later

Some of the questions are great, just not for people who met an hour ago:

• How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
• What's your most terrible memory?
• Of all the people in your family, whose death would hit you hardest?
• If you died tonight without talking to anyone, what would you most regret not having said?
• The set-three tasks where you tell your partner what you like about them, or make "we" statements

These need trust, and they need both people to want to go there. On a first date, they put the other person in an awkward spot: answer, and it feels like being pushed to open up; don't, and they seem cold. Later, the same questions can be wonderful. A couple a few months in might pick a slow evening, work through all 36 and skip whatever they like. By then, saying what you really feel isn't weakness, and can men show vulnerability and still be attractive? gets into why. Our lesson on sharing vs. oversharing helps you judge how deep is right for where you are.

How to use them without turning a date into an interrogation

The classic failure is saving the list in your notes app and reading it top to bottom. That's a survey.

What works better:

1. Say what you're doing. "Okay, random, but there's a famous list of questions from a psych study. Want to try one? You have full veto power." Naming it lets them opt in, and a lot of people enjoy it as a game.
2. Answer first. A real, short answer shows how deep the question is meant to go.
3. Follow up before moving on. If they say they've always wanted to live abroad, "Where, and what's the first thing you'd do there?" beats jumping to the next question every time.
4. Make skipping easy. If they say "Ooh, that's a hard one," laugh, swap it, and don't ask why.
5. Follow their depth. Short answer? Go back to something light. Clearly into it? Go a little further together.

If you notice yourself thinking "what number am I on?", you're running a program, not having a conversation. Our free lesson on theory overload helps you catch that.

For how to share about yourself while you ask, see how to talk about yourself on a date. For topics that keep things moving, there's what to talk about on a first date. More guides live on our dating topic page.

FAQ

Do the 36 questions actually work?

In the original study, they reliably made strangers feel closer in a short time, and researchers have kept using the procedure since. But closeness isn't love, and it can't tell you whether two people are a good match. Treat them as good questions for getting to know someone, not a way to make someone fall for you.

Should you ask all 36 questions on a first date?

Probably not. The study ran all of them in about 45 minutes, with two people who knew exactly what they'd signed up for. On a first date, pick two or three of the lighter ones. If you're already together and want to try the full list, choose an unhurried night, take turns and let either of you skip anything.

What are good deep questions to ask on a date?

On early dates, "deep" works best when it's about preferences, hopes and good memories, not trauma or family conflict. "Is there something you've wanted to do for years but haven't?" is a good example. If they go deeper in their answer, you can follow.

Is it manipulative to use the 36 questions on someone?

It depends on how you use them. Out in the open, with both people interested and free to skip, it's a getting-to-know-you game. Used secretly to speed up someone's feelings, or to push them into personal territory before they're ready, it manufactures a closeness that hasn't actually formed yet, and we'd skip that.