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Attraction · L1 · Rebuilding your sense of self

Whose task is it?

You asked her to an exhibit after work on Friday. She replied: "Kind of a busy week, I'll see!" For the next two hours you keep opening and closing the chat, wondering: Was I too sudden? Am I not interesting enough?

What's really keeping you on edge all night?

Pick one answer

Lesson notes

A summary of this lesson to come back to. To make it stick, work through the steps above.

By the end you'll be able to

Tell apart which tasks are yours and which are hers.

Key ideas

  • Separation of tasks
  • Individual psychology

Whose task is it?

Here's a useful question: "Who ultimately lives with the outcome?" Asking her out, showing up on time and looking after yourself are your tasks. Whether she's free and whether she likes you are hers. The only half you can do well is your own.

Separate isn't cold

People often mistake separating tasks for not caring. You can still care about her. You just don't make her decisions for her, and you don't treat her reactions as your score. Probing, mind-reading and testing usually hide a wish to control the outcome so you can feel safe.

Take these with you

  • ✓Ask "who lives with the outcome?" and you'll know whose task it is.
  • ✓Asking her out is your task. Saying yes or no is hers.
  • ✓Separating tasks isn't coldness. You can care without deciding for her.

This week's mission

This week, the next time you're anxiously waiting on someone, write down "my part" and "their part," then do only your half.

Further reading