Red Flags & Consent · L1 · Alcohol and consent

Wearing someone down isn't a yes

On a date, one person keeps making small asks from dinner on: "Hold my bag for a sec." "Scoot closer, I can't hear you." "Just one more drink." "Just one more bar." Suddenly it's 1 a.m., the last train is gone, and the other person is exhausted. Then the first one says, "It's so late anyway, just come to my place."

What's the problem with how this night was set up?

Pick one answer

Lesson notes

A summary of this lesson to come back to. To make it stick, work through the steps above.

By the end you'll be able to

See through the playbook of keeping at someone until the early hours.

Key ideas

Compliance testing

How small yeses get stacked

Compliance building is a pressure tactic: collect a few yeses too small to refuse, then use "you've agreed to everything so far" to make a bigger ask feel owed. Each step looks tiny. Together they push someone into a spot that's hard to leave.

Why no gets harder as the night drags on

People like to stay consistent. After saying yes to everything, saying no starts to feel strange. Add late hours, exhaustion and no ride home, and refusing takes more and more energy. A yes at the end of that is often just a way to make it stop.

Make it easy to leave anytime

A healthy night out makes it easy for the other person to leave whenever they want: meet somewhere easy to get home from, agree on a rough end time, and bring up the last train or ride. If you notice yourself stalling, stop and walk them to their ride.

Take these with you

✓A string of small yeses doesn't add up to a big yes. Each one covers only itself.
✓Dragging it out until there's no ride home and they say "whatever" isn't consent. It's a worn-down no.
✓Make leaving easy: agree on an end time and bring up the ride home.

This week's mission

At your next date or get-together, half an hour before it wraps up, ask, "How's everyone getting home?"