How to Keep a Conversation Going With Someone New

Here's how to keep a conversation going with someone new: stop moving sideways and start going down. Most first conversations die because they hop from topic to topic, each one answered and dropped. The fix is a simple three-layer pattern. Start with what's around you, add what you think, then float something you two could do. Each layer gives the other person more to grab onto than the last.

That's it. The rest of this is what each layer sounds like, the mistake people make at each one, and how to tell when the conversation is working and when it's just not going to.

This works the same no matter who you're talking to, so we'll say "they."

Why conversations with new people stall

Picture a friend's housewarming. You meet someone by the drinks and it goes: "So how do you know Priya?" "College." "Cool. What do you do?" "I'm a nurse." "Nice. Where do you live?" "Kind of near here." Three questions, three answers, three dead ends. Every question opened a brand-new topic, so neither of you ever got past the surface.

The standard advice is "ask open-ended questions." That's only half right. An open question with nothing of you attached is still an interview, just with longer answers. The other person ends up doing all the work, and you're still a stranger to them.

What actually keeps a conversation alive is depth. Stay on one thread long enough to get somewhere: follow up on what they just said, add a bit of yourself, see if there's something you share. There's decent research behind the follow-up part, too. In one Harvard study of conversations, people who asked more follow-up questions came across as more likable, probably because a follow-up proves you heard the answer.

Layer 1: What's around you

Start with what you're both looking at: the place, the food, the music, the line you're both stuck in, the thing that just happened. You don't need to be clever. You need to be real and easy to answer.

• "Okay, who brought these pickles? They're dangerous."
• "Is the line for this microwave always this long at noon?"
• "I can't tell if this band is great or if I've had one too many of these sliders."

Then, when they answer, go down instead of across. If they say the pickles are theirs, don't jump to "so what do you do?" Ask about the pickles. That's where the conversation is.

Common mistake: making the first layer about their appearance. "Love your look" isn't something around you. It's an evaluation, and it gives them nothing to do except say thanks. Our lesson on topics from the moment has drills for pulling three topics out of whatever room you're in.

Layer 2: What you think

Once you're on a thread, add yourself: an opinion, a small story, a reaction with some detail. This is the layer most people skip, and it's why they end up interviewing.

The trick is that you don't have to be impressive. You just have to be specific. "Same" gives them nothing. "Same, my last roommate's only hobby was leaving a single fork in the sink for a week" gives them a picture, and a reason to tell you about their roommate.

It also helps to have a couple of things you actually care about ready to come out: the show you can't shut up about, the bread you've been failing to bake, why you switched jobs. When you talk about something you like, your energy changes and people can tell. Our free lesson technique is the frame, passion is the fuel helps you find yours.

Common mistake: going too long. One or two sentences, then hand it back with a question or just a pause. If you've been talking about your fantasy league for four minutes, you've left layer 2 and started a monologue.

Layer 3: What you two could do

This is the "us" layer: noticing common ground, or floating a small, low-stakes idea that includes both of you.

• "If your roommate ever does a pickle tasting, I'm volunteering as a judge."
• "I keep meaning to try the dumpling place on the corner. Have you been?"
• "Wait, you're doing the half marathon in April too? We should compare training disasters."

It's light. It doesn't have to become a real plan, and nobody should feel cornered by it. The point is to turn two people swapping facts into two people with something in common.

Common mistake: turning layer 3 into pressure. "We should hang out, give me your number" five minutes in is skipping ahead. With a coworker, keep it to things that work as a group or are easy to brush off. If they don't pick it up, let it drop and go back to layer 1. Our lesson on her, me, us practices building a conversation in these three layers, and the idea works the same with anyone.

What it sounds like, start to finish

At a friend's housewarming, by the snacks:

• You (around you): "Okay, who brought these pickles? They're dangerous."
• Them: "That's me. Well, my roommate. She makes them."
• You (go down): "Your roommate makes pickles? Like, a whole operation?"
• Them: "Jars everywhere. Our fridge is basically brine."
• You (what you think): "That's a dream roommate. Mine collected takeout menus like they were rare coins."
• Them: "Okay, that's worse. Did you ever order from any of them?"
• You (us): "Never. If your roommate ever opens a pickle stand, though, I'm a customer."

With a new coworker, waiting for the microwave:

• You: "Is the line for this always like this at noon?"
• Them: "Every day. I've started eating at 11:30."
• You (go down): "11:30? Doesn't that wreck your afternoon?"
• Them: "I'm starving by three. I've made peace with it."
• You (what you think): "I'm the opposite. If I eat early I'm useless by two. I've started hoarding clementines in my desk."
• Them: "Clementine guy. Noted."
• You (us): "A few of us were talking about trying the dumpling place on the corner Friday, if you want in."

Notice what isn't in there: no "so what do you do?", no list of questions. Every line builds on the one before it.

How to tell it's working, and when to let it go

You'll know it's working when they start adding things you didn't ask for, ask you something back, or bring up something from earlier. Answers get longer. You lose track of time a little.

You'll know it isn't when you've offered two or three good openings and gotten short answers each time, no questions back and glances toward the door or their phone. That's not a sign you need better topics. They might be tired, shy, busy or just not up for it, and that's allowed. Wrap up warmly: "I'm going to grab another drink. Good to meet you." A good conversation needs two people, which means it's never entirely on you.

A pause in the middle isn't the end, by the way. If silence is the part that freaks you out, read our take on awkward silence in conversation. If you're mostly talking over text, how to keep a text conversation going covers the written version, and what to talk about on a first date picks up once you've got plans. More guides live on our approach topic page.

FAQ

What do you talk about with someone you just met?

Start with whatever you're both experiencing: the place, the event, the food, the person you both know. Then follow their answer one step deeper before switching topics. The best conversation topics for new people usually come from the room, not from a list.

How do I ask follow-up questions without it feeling like an interrogation?

Add a little of yourself between questions. "Wait, you make pickles? I can't even keep basil alive. How'd you get into it?" feels like curiosity. Three questions in a row with nothing of yours in between starts to feel like a form.

What if I'm always the one carrying the conversation?

Try two or three real openings. If they keep giving short answers and never ask anything back, stop pushing. Some people warm up slowly, and some just aren't in a talking mood. Either way, you don't have to carry it alone.

How do I stop running out of things to say?

You rarely run out of things to say. You run out of new topics. Go back to something they mentioned earlier ("Wait, what happened with the half marathon?"), or add your own take on the current one. Depth is easier to find than novelty.