How to Get Over Someone: What Actually Helps (and What Doesn't)

To get over someone, you don't have to force yourself to stop thinking about them. You have to stop feeding the thinking. What actually helps is unglamorous: cut down the reminders, stop checking on them, figure out what you're really missing, and put your time back into a life that doesn't run through them. What doesn't help usually feels productive in the moment (the late-night scroll, the closure text, the quick rebound) and quietly resets the clock.

This guide is for anyone you're trying to move on from: an ex, someone you talked to for months that never became official, a crush who never knew, or a coworker you'll see at standup tomorrow morning. For the first weeks after a breakup specifically, our guide to getting over a breakup lays out a 30-day plan. If you're still deciding whether to tell a crush how you feel, start with unrequited crush. This one is about the bigger question: how to let someone slowly leave the center of your head.

Getting over someone you dated vs. someone you never dated

The middle row gets overlooked. People who never officially dated often feel silly for hurting this much: "We weren't even together." But the hope was real, and so was the future you pictured. Losing those hurts, and you don't need a relationship title to be allowed to grieve.

What actually helps

Cut down the reminders

Archive the chat. Move the photos into a folder you won't stumble on. Put the hoodie in a box in the closet. You don't have to delete or throw anything out. You just don't want it ambushing you every day. If you need to mute, unfollow or block, do it. That protects your recovery. It isn't a statement for them to notice.

Stop checking on them

No story views, no checking who viewed yours, no "so how are they doing?" to mutual friends. Each check gives you a small hit of something, followed by a longer emptiness. Our free lesson on the stimulation treadmill explains the loop: you're filling a slow ache with something fast, and it never quite fills.

Figure out what you actually miss

Grab a notebook and answer three questions. What do I miss about this specific person? Do I miss being wanted and having company? Do I miss the future I imagined with them?

A lot of people find that most of the ache lives in the second and third answers. Being wanted and having company are things friends, family and eventually someone new can give you. The imagined future never actually existed. Knowing that won't make it stop hurting, but it gives the hurt a shape you can work with.

Give the sadness an outlet, with edges

Sadness needs somewhere to go. Give it fifteen minutes a day: write it down, or call a friend and talk it through. When the time's up, move on to the next thing.

That's different from ruminating. Rumination replays the same scenes until they get sharper. Writing or talking puts the feelings outside you, where you can look at them instead of being wrapped up in them.

Put your time back

Moving on isn't only about removing them. It's about filling the space: texting the friends you went quiet on, picking up something you used to love, moving your body, sleeping on a schedule. It sounds boring. It's also how your brain learns that life keeps running without this person in it.

If they were someone who'd text for hours but never actually make plans, our free lesson All chat, no plans helps you decide when it's time to take your energy back.

What doesn't help (even though it feels like it should)

Forcing yourself not to think about them. Psychologists have studied this since the 1980s: trying hard not to think about something tends to make it pop up more. "Just stop thinking about them" has the right goal and the wrong method. Let the thought arrive, then don't follow it anywhere.

The closure conversation. It's tempting to send one long message, or ask for one last talk, so you can finally understand. Usually the answer you want doesn't exist, or they can't give it to you. And if you're honest, a lot of closure requests are a hope to reopen the door. Write the letter. Don't send it.

Listing all their flaws. Half right. In one small lab study, people who'd recently been through a breakup were asked to think about an ex's negative traits. Their feelings of love dropped, and so did their mood. Distraction did the reverse: they felt better, but the love didn't budge. So the flaw list can loosen the pull. Just don't expect it to feel good, and pair it with things that do.

Rebounding fast. A new person can feel like relief. Often it's a painkiller: the hurt is still there, just muffled, and someone else ends up absorbing feelings that aren't about them. There's no rule about how long to wait, but if you can't yet enjoy a dinner alone, it's probably too soon.

Waiting for a sign. Wondering whether they miss you, whether that story was aimed at you, whether the timing will change. Waiting keeps you exactly where you are. At some point you get to decide you're done waiting, instead of waiting for them to decide for you.

Anything designed to make them jealous or sorry. Posting to be seen, showing up where you know they'll be, the "I'm thriving" campaign. All of it keeps them at the center of your life, which is the opposite of moving on.

How to get over someone you still see every day

When you can't avoid them, the goal isn't to disappear. It's to turn the volume down to normal.

• Be polite and professional. Say hi, do the project, and skip both the dramatic avoidance and the performance of being totally fine.
• Cut the one-on-one time. Eat lunch with a group. Stop walking to the parking lot together.
• Stop investing extra. No more going above and beyond for them, no more asking about their weekend. Give them coworker-sized attention, not crush-sized attention.
• Build a center of gravity elsewhere. Friends outside work, a class, a rec league, so they're no longer the best part of your day.

If they're a close friend, you can be honest: "I need some space for a while. I'm not mad at you. I just need to sort myself out." That's kinder to both of you than pretending and hurting every time you hang out. Can you be friends with an ex? has more on when that kind of friendship works.

How long does it take to get over someone?

There's no formula. The "half the length of the relationship" rule gets passed around a lot, but there's no evidence behind it. Instead of counting days, watch for signs you're moving:

• You still get sad when you think of them, but it doesn't wreck the whole day.
• You can hear their name or walk past your old coffee spot without spiraling.
• You don't feel the urge to check on them, or you feel it and don't act on it.
• You're looking forward to things that have nothing to do with them.

You'll slide backward sometimes: an anniversary, seeing them with someone new, your song coming on in a Trader Joe's. A setback doesn't erase your progress. If you were turned down or broken up with, remember that a no is about this moment and these two people, not your worth. Our free lesson One no can't define you practices exactly that.

And if you want to get over someone fast? There's no real shortcut, but you can stop making it longer. The first two moves (fewer reminders, no checking) do the most. A lot of people who feel stuck are relighting the fire every day without noticing.

When it's more than heartbreak

If it's been weeks and your sleep, appetite or work are still badly off, or you're starting to feel like nothing matters, don't white-knuckle it alone. A therapist can help. If you're having thoughts of hurting yourself, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, and in an emergency call 911. More on relationships lives on our relationships topic page.

FAQ

How do you get over someone you love who doesn't love you back?

Accept the answer as final, then follow the same steps: fewer reminders, no checking, and an honest look at what you're actually missing. Loving someone who doesn't love you back isn't a problem to solve. It's a loss to grieve, and grief eases faster once you stop feeding hope.

Is it normal to still think about someone years later?

Yes, especially around certain songs, places or dates. Occasional thoughts aren't a sign you're stuck. It's worth a closer look only if they're constant, or if they keep you from investing in anything new.

Should I block someone I'm trying to get over?

If seeing their posts keeps knocking you back to square one, blocking or muting is a reasonable way to protect yourself. It's only immature if it's a move meant to get their attention.

Can you be friends with someone you're trying to get over?

Eventually, sometimes. It works once you've genuinely stopped hoping for more. If you agree to be friends while quietly waiting for them to change their mind, it isn't fair to either of you.