How to Get Over a Breakup: What Helps in the First 30 Days

Here's the short answer to how to get over a breakup: you mostly can't speed it up, but you can stop slowing it down. The first few weeks are going to hurt. That's normal, and it fades. Your job for the first 30 days isn't "moving on." It's keeping the basics running (sleep, people, one small task a day) and steering clear of the stuff that numbs the pain tonight and drags it out for months.

That's the whole plan. The rest of this is the details, in roughly the order you'll need them.

Why a breakup hurts this much

If you've been telling yourself "it's just a breakup, why am I like this," give yourself a break.

Brain imaging research on people who'd recently been dumped and were still in love found that looking at a photo of the ex lit up areas tied to reward and craving, a pattern that looked a lot like withdrawal. That's why you keep opening their Instagram, why you want to text at 1 a.m., why a song in the grocery store can flatten you. It isn't weak willpower. Your brain is adjusting to the absence of someone who mattered.

Withdrawal also has a shape: it's worst at the start and eases over time. "I'm never going to feel normal again" is something the pain says. It isn't a forecast.

Week one: sleep, people, one small thing

Don't try to figure out your life this week. Just cover three things.

1. Sleep, or at least a wake-up time. Falling asleep might be rough. Get up at the same time anyway, open the blinds, get some daylight. When your sleep falls apart, your mood follows it down.
2. People. Text two or three friends something direct: "We broke up. I'm kind of a mess. Can we grab dinner this week?" Typing "we broke up" is a few seconds of awful. Not typing it is weeks of handling this alone. People routinely trade a long, slow ache to avoid a short, sharp one, and our free lesson Short fear, long loneliness walks through why that math keeps coming out wrong.
3. One small task a day. Laundry. Groceries. Answering that one work email. It counts once it's done. The point isn't productivity. It's getting one moment a day of "I can still handle things."

Eat something, too, even if it's small. Toast counts.

Skip: rereading the whole text thread from "hey, it's Sam from the bookstore" to the last message. You won't find the answer in there. You'll find a hundred new "what if I'd just..." moments.

Weeks two and three: sort your stuff, not theirs

Around now, the worst of it usually starts having gaps. Maybe you wake up and get a few minutes before you remember. That's a good sign. It's loosening.

• Box it up, don't trash it. Photos, gifts, the hoodie they left behind. Put it all in a box, put the box in a closet. Decide what to keep or toss in a month or two. Decisions made in week two tend to get regretted.
• Write the story down. Not a letter to them. A version for you: how it started, where it got stuck, what happened at the end. A good amount of research on expressive writing suggests that putting a painful experience into words helps turn a swirl of feelings into a story you can actually hold. Include the bad parts. Heartbreak tends to cut the whole thing down to a highlight reel.
• Mute them. You don't have to prove you're over it. Just mute or unfollow so your thumb has one less place to go. Whether to cut contact fully, and whether to block, is covered in our guide to no contact after a breakup.

Skip: asking mutual friends how they're doing or whether they're seeing anyone. Every update you get sends you back to week one.

Week four: start taking your time back

By week four, a lot of people notice the empty slots. Friday night used to be theirs. Sunday mornings had a routine. Now there's just space.

The most useful thing you can put in that space is something that has nothing to do with them. A pottery class. A run club. The Spanish you dropped after college. Not to become a better version so they'll regret it, because that's still living for them. The goal is a piece of your life that's yours from start to finish. Writing down one goal that has nothing to do with a partner is the exercise in our lesson Always be growing.

You can also start looking back a little: what do you want to bring into your next relationship, and what do you never want to repeat? Stick to the parts you can change, and don't take the whole breakup on yourself. If "what's wrong with me" is on a loop, our guide on how to handle rejection breaks that thought down.

Coping with a breakup: the substitutes that backfire

These all have the same catch. They genuinely help in the moment, and you feel emptier afterward.

• Jumping into the next thing. Dating again isn't off-limits. The question is why. If you're dating so you don't have to feel sad, to prove you're still wanted, or so your ex sees, the new person is a bandage. And they didn't sign up to be one. If what's really hard is the empty time, our piece on feeling lonely explains why loneliness pushes people to rush into the next thing.
• Swiping until 2 a.m. Every match is a tiny "I'm fine." Then you close the app and feel worse than before you opened it.
• Drinking, bingeing shows till sunrise, shopping. Once is a rough night. Every night is a pattern. The lift from new stimulation gets shorter, so you need more of it. That's the loop our free lesson The stimulation treadmill describes.
• Checking their stories. One look and you're analyzing who took the photo and whether that song is about you. That's feeding the craving, not healing it.
• Posting to prove you're thriving. Look, if every photo is taken with one question in mind (will they see this?), you're still talking to them. You've just moved the conversation to Instagram.

The real problem with the substitutes isn't that they're unhealthy. It's that they keep you from actually going through the sad part. Grief you skip doesn't disappear. It gets postponed.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

You've probably heard the rule: it takes half as long as the relationship lasted. Four years together, two years to recover. It sounds precise. We haven't found solid research behind it, and real life is a lot messier. Some people bounce back from a three-year relationship in a couple of months. Some people grieve a six-month situationship for a year.

These signs are more reliable than the calendar:

• You think about them noticeably less over a whole day
• When you do, it stings, but it doesn't wreck the next few hours
• You're looking forward to things that have nothing to do with them
• You hear news about them, pause, and go back to what you were doing

Honestly, recovery is rarely a straight line. You can feel great in week three and fall apart on a random rainy Tuesday in week five. That's not starting over. That's how it goes.

When to get more help

Friends can carry a lot of this. Some things need a professional.

• A month or two in, you still can't sleep, eat or get through work or class most days
• You're using alcohol or something else to get through each day
• You're having thoughts like "I don't want to be here anymore"

Please don't handle that last one alone. Call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time. In an emergency, call 911. A therapist, your doctor or your school's counseling center are all good places to start too.

If your ex keeps contacting you after you've asked them to stop, or shows up where you live or work, that's a safety issue, not a healing one. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can help you figure out next steps.

For more on breakups and relationships, see our relationships topic page.

FAQ

What should I do the first day after a breakup?

Nothing big. Tell one friend, eat something, go to bed around your normal time. Day one is about getting through it, not making sense of it.

Why do I miss my ex so much if the relationship was bad?

Missing someone is partly habit. Big chunks of your day used to include them, and your brain keeps reaching for that. Bad relationships can be especially sticky when the good moments came unpredictably. Missing them isn't a sign you should go back.

Is it normal to still be sad months later?

Yes, especially after a long or serious relationship. Sad moments months out are normal. Being unable to function months out is a sign to get support, not a sign you're broken.

Should I reach out to my ex if I want to get back together?

Wait first. In the early weeks, a lot of that urge is the craving talking. If you still want it after a month or so, when life feels steadier, think hard about whether the reasons you broke up have changed. If they're the one reaching out, our guide for when your ex wants you back can help you decide.