Flirting or Harassment? Where the Line Is, in Practice

You've probably seen the joke: it's only harassment if the guy is unattractive. It gets passed around as a cynical truth. It's wrong, and why it's wrong is most of the answer.

The difference between flirting and harassment isn't who's doing it, and it isn't the wording of the opener. "Hey, sorry to interrupt, I wanted to say hi" can start a perfectly good conversation or the first five minutes of someone's worst commute. What separates them is what happens after the first sign the other person would rather not: whether you ease off, and whether they can leave easily, at every moment.

That's the line in one sentence. Both people have to be free to walk away the whole time. The moment one of them can't leave, doesn't feel able to, or gets followed when they do, it isn't flirting anymore.

None of this depends on gender, so we'll say "they" throughout.

Flirting vs. harassment at a glance

The biggest difference between the columns isn't politeness. It's who's in control of the interaction. Flirting is an invitation they can take or leave. Harassment is attention they don't want and can't easily end.

Why "free to leave" is the line

Harassment is ultimately defined by the experience of the person on the receiving end: unwelcome, and hard to stop. That's why "I didn't mean anything by it" can't be the test. Nobody can see your intentions. What they can feel is whether they're able to get away.

That freedom usually gets taken in one of three ways:

• Space. Standing in their path, coming up from behind, starting a conversation in an elevator or a subway car. They have nowhere to step back to, so they stand there and listen.
• Position. They're at work and can't walk off: the barista, the bartender, the person at the front desk. Or you're their manager, their client or their professor. Or they're surrounded by your friends. Saying no suddenly costs a lot more. For the on-the-clock version, see crush on a barista or server?
• Repetition. They said no, and you show up again next week. You wait where they usually are. You send DM after DM. One approach turns into something they have to plan around.

Keep going, pause or stop: common situations

Once you've said hello, every reaction is a signal. Read it literally. Don't guess what they "really" mean.

The pause row is the one people misread most. A smile and a polite answer are what most people give anyone. They're courtesy, not an invitation. Research has found that men tend to read women's friendliness as more romantic or sexual interest than was intended, so leaning on smiles is a reliable way to overestimate. A real opening is when they keep the conversation going themselves: asking you things, adding details, turning toward you. Our lesson polite isn't an opening walks through five scenes that test exactly this.

Hesitation is a pause signal too. "Um..." "Maybe?" "I don't know." That isn't "not a no yet." It's a reason to stop, which our free lesson hesitation is a signal too spells out. The same signals apply once you're on a date, and how to respect someone's boundaries lists eight habits for reading them.

What if they're wearing headphones or looking at their phone?

This might be the most-asked version of the question: "If she always has AirPods in at the coffee shop, how am I supposed to meet her?" The honest answer is that this time, you don't.

Headphones, eyes on a phone, a fast walk, a call in progress: all of these mean "not now." If you see them before you speak, don't start. If they show up after you've started, wrap it up. That doesn't mean never approaching anyone. It means choosing moments when people have attention to spare: browsing a bookstore, intermission at a show, the mingling part of an event. Checking whether someone's free before you open your mouth is the core of our lesson get her attention first.

You'll find advice online to "just tap her on the shoulder so she takes an earbud out." We'd skip it. You're taking someone's attention without giving them a choice, and your very first move is touching a stranger. For more of the moments when the right move is silence, see when not to approach someone.

"I'm just awkward, not a harasser": half right

The right half: if you say something clumsy, it doesn't land, and you apologize and leave, that's awkward, not harassment. A lot of guys are so afraid of being called creepy that they try to memorize a "safe" script. You don't need one. One bad line doesn't make you a harasser. Neither does getting turned down.

The wrong half: awkward people stop the moment they see discomfort. Harassers see it and keep going. "I'm bad at this" can explain a cringey opener. It can't explain following someone to the subway, or the fourth unanswered message.

So the thing worth practicing isn't a better opener. It's the reflex to stop when you see a pause or stop signal. A bad opener makes you a little funny. Not being able to stop is what makes people afraid.

How to approach someone in public without being creepy

1. Pick a place they can walk away from. A bookstore, a farmers market, a gallery, the break at an event. Not an elevator, not a subway car, not the seat next to them on a bus, not the line at the ATM.
2. Stay where they can see you. From the front or side, at least an arm's length away, never from behind.
3. Say why you're there right away. "Sorry to interrupt. I saw you grab that book and wanted to say hi." They shouldn't have to wonder if you're selling something.
4. Offer the exit yourself. "If you're busy, no worries at all." It makes saying no easier, which tends to help people relax.
5. One no ends it. Don't hang around to prove you're a nice guy. That only makes them want to leave more. How to respond when someone says no has five lines for that moment.
6. Don't follow. Whatever direction they go, go the other way, and don't linger by the exit.

For the full walkthrough from hello to goodbye, read how to approach a woman without making her uncomfortable. For a quick audit of your own habits, is it creepy to approach a woman? has a five-point self-check.

If you're getting unwanted attention

If you're on the receiving end, you don't owe anyone politeness all the way through. Not answering, putting your headphones back in and walking away are all fine, no reason required. If you want words, how to turn down a guy politely has lines from friendly to firm.

If someone follows you, blocks your way or touches you, head somewhere with people, ask staff or security for help, or call a friend on speaker. Following, blocking someone's path and unwanted touching can cross into crimes in most places, and you can report it. In an emergency, call 911. More on consent and boundaries is on our consent topic page.

FAQ

Is approaching a stranger harassment?

No. Saying hi when someone's free, being clear about why you came over and leaving after a no is ordinary social life. It becomes harassment because of what comes next: continuing after a no, commenting on their body, following them, showing up again.

Is complimenting someone's looks harassment?

It depends on what you say and what happens after. "That jacket is a great color" is about a choice they made. Comments on their body, legs or face tend to feel like being sized up. The safer move is to compliment something they're doing or chose, and expect nothing back for it.

They keep smiling. Doesn't that mean keep going?

Not necessarily. Smiling is often courtesy, and for a lot of people it's how they keep a situation calm until they can leave. Look for whether they're keeping it going: asking you questions, adding more, turning toward you. A smile with nothing else is a pause signal.

Someone told me I was harassing them. What should I do?

Stop, and don't argue in the moment. Say "Sorry, I'll leave you alone," and go. If you want to apologize properly afterward, how to apologize after crossing a line covers what to say and what to skip.