How to Say What You're Looking For on a Dating App

Third date, a crowded wine bar, and between sips they ask it: "So what are you looking for?" You've been on Hinge for four months. You know the answer. What comes out of your mouth is "I don't know, just seeing where things go."

That answer feels safe. It usually isn't. Saying what you're looking for on a dating app is simpler than it seems: say it once, plainly, early, covering what you can offer and what you can't, then ask the other person the same way. "I'm looking for something long-term, and I'm happy to take it slow" isn't too much. Neither is "I just got out of a relationship, so I'm not ready for anything serious, but I'd like to meet people."

What causes trouble is vagueness, and worse, hiding what you want until someone's invested. Below: why saying it early is respect, how to find your real answer, how to put it in your bio and in chat, how to ask them, and which "honest" lines are actually red flags.

Why saying it early is respect, not pressure

People decide whether to spend time on you based on what you tell them: whether to keep chatting, whether to meet, whether to turn down another plan. What you're looking for is the biggest piece of that. Leave it out and they'll guess, and people tend to guess in whatever direction they're hoping for.

Yes, being clear costs you something. Someone who wants a relationship will swipe past "keeping it casual." Someone who wants casual will swipe past "looking for something serious." That fear is why so many profiles say "let's see where it goes."

But those people were always going to leave. Being upfront just moves the moment earlier, before anyone spends three months on a mismatch. We'd call that a filter, not a loss.

Casual vs. serious dating: find your real answer first

A lot of vague profiles are vague because the person isn't sure yet. That's completely fine. Say the honest version of unsure instead of hiding behind a phrase people will read their own meaning into.

Is it okay to want casual? Sure, as long as you say so and the other person agrees knowing that. Not wanting commitment isn't the problem. Pretending you do, or using "let's just be friends" as cover for something else, is.

A quick gut check: if you can't say what you want out loud because you know the other person would leave, that's your answer. If your plan only works when they don't know, it's deception.

How to put it in your bio

Most apps have a field for this, so fill it in honestly. Hinge, Tinder and Bumble each have their own version. Then add one plain line at the end of your bio. It doesn't need to be the headline.

The left column isn't unclear. It's defensive. It treats the reader like a suspect before they've said a word. The right column talks about you instead of screening them.

Make the field and the bio agree. If your Hinge dating intentions say "long-term relationship" and your prompt says "just here for fun," people won't know which one to believe. Being the same person on your profile, on the date and in your life is the point of our The same you lesson, and how to write a dating app bio covers the rest of the profile.

How to say it in chat

You don't need to lead with it, but don't save it for date three either. Two natural moments: after a few days of good conversation, right before you suggest meeting; or when they bring up dating or ask about you.

It can be this simple:

"Quick heads-up on where I'm at: I'm looking for something real. Not in a rush to lock anything down, I just don't want you thinking I'm only here to chat. What about you?"

Once is enough. You don't need to recheck every few days or keep asking "are you sure?" That turns information into pressure.

This isn't the same conversation as "so what are we?" a couple of months in. Here you're saying what you're looking for. That one is about where the two of you have landed, and how to define the relationship covers it.

Common mistake: testing instead of telling. "You're not just here for hookups, right?" sounds like a question, but it assumes the worst, and it makes an honest answer harder. Say where you stand first, then ask.

How to ask what someone wants (on Hinge or anywhere)

Three things make an honest answer more likely: keep it light, go first, and leave a door open.

"Can I ask what you're looking for on here? Long-term, casual, still figuring it out, any answer's fine. I'd just like to know if we're headed the same way."

"Any answer's fine" does a lot of work. It tells them that an answer different from yours won't blow up the conversation. Asking directly and lightly when you're unsure is exactly what our free lesson Not sure? Ask practices.

Then take the answer at face value. "Not sure yet" means not sure yet, not "secretly wants commitment but is shy." "Keeping it casual" doesn't mean "will change after enough time with me."

If what they want doesn't match what you want, say so and make the call:

"Thanks for being straight with me. I think we want different things, so I'll bow out. Good luck out there."

No need to talk them into it, and no need to shrink what you want because they're great and maybe they'll change.

Then watch whether their actions match their words. Someone who says they want something serious but only texts after 11 p.m., never makes daytime plans and goes vague whenever you ask about their life is giving you a clearer answer than anything they've said. If that sounds familiar, what is a situationship is worth a read.

"Honest" lines that are actually red flags

Some lines sound refreshingly candid and are really there to get your guard down. Recognizing them makes them a lot less effective:

• Fake friendship. "Let's just be friends, no pressure." When the actual goal is sex or a relationship, "just friends" is camouflage. The honest alternative is simple: if you're attracted to someone, say you're interested, and stop if they're not.
• Hurt used as a shield. "My last relationship wrecked me, so I can't do commitment, but I really like you." The hurt may be real. But if the line's job is to get you into something they don't plan to show up for, while you give everything, it's using vulnerability to get past your hesitation. Watch what happens after you hesitate. Someone sincere respects your decision. A line comes back with a harder push.
• Unspoken multiple partners. Talking to and dating a few people early on is common on apps, and you don't owe anyone a running list. Getting physically or emotionally serious with several people while letting each one believe they're the only one takes away their informed choice.
• Hidden relationship status. Married, partnered or "basically broken up" while the profile says single. This is the most direct version: the other person makes every decision with false information.

The last two follow the same rule. Facts that would change whether someone wants to go further need to come out before things get intimate, and you have to accept that they might leave. That's the core of our Facts that affect consent come first lesson.

If you run into any of these, name what you've noticed, then watch what they do next rather than how well they explain it. Big promises paired with little follow-through show up a lot in love bombing, too. More on apps and texting is on our texting topic page.

FAQ

Is it too much to say you want something serious on a first date?

Not if you say it once, calmly. Pressure comes from repeating it, asking for an answer on the spot, or making "serious" sound like "you have to be with me." Telling someone your direction isn't the same as asking them to commit to it.

What does "seeing where things go" mean on a dating app?

It can mean "not sure yet," "keeping it casual but don't want to say so," or just "didn't know what to write." Because it covers so much ground, the only reliable way to find out is to ask, then believe the answer.

Can casual turn into serious?

Sometimes, when both people's feelings change and they talk about it. But starting something casual while quietly hoping to change the other person rarely ends well. If you want a relationship, it's kinder to yourself to look for someone who wants one too.

Do I have to tell matches I'm talking to other people?

Early on, while you're chatting and going on first dates, seeing a few people is common and you don't need to announce it. If they ask, be honest. And before you become exclusive or intimate, make sure you're both clear on where things stand.