When to Ask for a Number on a Dating App, and How to Ask

When to ask for a number on a dating app comes down to one thing: whether they're already keeping the conversation going on their own. They start topics. They ask you things. They say stuff like "remind me to tell you about my roommate's lizard." That's the moment. Not after some magic message count, and definitely not right after a compliment.

"You have a gorgeous smile, can I get your number?" feels efficient. It usually gets a "haha" and then nothing. Put together like that, the compliment reads like a down payment, so saying no feels rude, and not answering becomes the easiest way out.

Below: why a number is a bigger ask than it looks, the signs it's time, how to ask so "not yet" is easy to say, and what a yes actually covers.

Why a number is a bigger ask than it looks

A phone number opens up much more than an app chat. It can often be traced back to someone's full name, and from there to their social accounts and more. On the app, if things get weird, they can unmatch and you vanish from their screen. Once you have their number, they have to block you, and they've already handed over something that's hard to take back.

Instagram is a step too. Sharing a handle means letting you see their friends, their family and where they were on vacation in 2019.

So for the other person, sharing contact info costs more than it might seem, especially for anyone who's had a match turn pushy before. You're not asking for a username. You're asking for a little more room in their life. Seen that way, it makes sense that asking too early often gets you silence.

When to ask: they're extending the conversation themselves

Good signs it's time:

• They've started a conversation themselves, or followed up on something you said a few days ago.
• Their replies have details and are getting longer, not shorter.
• There's a practical reason to move: you want to send photos or voice memos, you're about to make plans, the app keeps glitching, or they mentioned they barely open it.
• They ask for your number first. Easy.

If they're sending short answers, mostly reacting with emoji, and only answering what you ask, that's a yellow light. Hold off on the number. Keep talking in the app, or just ask them out there. Our lesson on red, yellow and green replies practices telling the difference, including why getting a reply isn't the same as getting investment.

One piece of advice worth retiring: "Get their number within the first few days or someone faster will." That treats a phone number like a reservation. Being saved in someone's contacts doesn't change whether they want to keep talking to you.

In fact, we'd often suggest not rushing it at all. Ask them out right in the app, and swap numbers at the date or after it. They keep the app's report and unmatch buttons until they've met you, and you don't spend a week texting only to find out there's no spark in person.

How to ask: offer a choice and an easy "not yet"

A good ask does two things: it gives them options, and it makes saying no effortless.

"The app's been glitchy for me. Want to switch to texting or Instagram? Totally fine to keep chatting here too."

That's three choices: text, Instagram or staying put. They can pick whatever distance feels safe.

An even lighter version is to offer yours instead of asking for theirs: "Here's my number if you'd rather text. No pressure to use it." Whether they reach out, and how, is entirely up to them.

Everything in the left column either rushes their decision or makes them justify a no. Everything on the right leaves the decision with them.

If they say "not yet" or don't answer

Reply with something like "Sounds good, here works," then carry on like before, without going cold. Don't ask again for a good while. Let them bring it up when they're ready.

If they offer Instagram instead of a number, that's an answer too. It's the distance they're comfortable with right now, so go with it.

What not to do:

• Ask them to explain. "Why not?" or "I'm not a creep, I promise" turns their no into something they have to defend.
• Speculate about who else they're talking to. Even if they are, that's their business and has nothing to do with your question.
• Go around them. They declined to share their number, so you look up their Instagram and DM them there. That's scary, and it ignores what they just told you.

If they go quiet after you ask, or unmatch, that's also an answer. Don't follow up on another platform.

After you get the number: it covers that one step

A number means they're willing to text with you. It doesn't mean they've agreed to daily texting, to phone calls, to meeting up, and it certainly doesn't mean yes to anything more intimate. Each of those is its own step.

• Keep the same tone. Pick up where the app chat left off. Don't suddenly get much more intimate or intense because you're in iMessage now. If you got the number in person instead, see what to text after getting her number.
• Ask before calling. "Is now a good time for a quick call?" beats a surprise FaceTime.
• Don't flood them. Good-morning texts plus a dozen more every day is more than you were sending in the app, and it mostly makes people mute you.
• Don't go digging. Having their number isn't permission to look up their LinkedIn, their sister's Instagram or their address.
• Still make the plan. The number isn't the finish line. The point of texting is getting to a meeting you both want, which is what our lesson on texting to meet, by choice is about. For when to ask, see how long to talk on a dating app before meeting.

If you're the one sharing your number, remember you can still block or delete anytime. You don't owe anyone anything for having handed it over. If you'd rather not give out your real number at all, a free Google Voice number is a common workaround. And if you're not sure what they want from the switch, ask: "Are you thinking we grab a drink, or more just chat for a while?" Our free lesson on simply asking when you're not sure has more practice with that kind of easy, direct question.

Once you're texting, the most common worry is the read receipt. Our guide to being left on read covers that, and if you'd rather start with something low-key on Instagram, see how to reply to an Instagram story. The rest of our texting guides are on the texting topic page.

FAQ

How many messages should you send before asking for a number?

There's no set number. Look at whether they're extending the conversation: starting topics, sharing details, asking you questions. You can also skip it entirely and ask them out in the app, then swap numbers in person.

How do I ask for a number on Hinge or Tinder?

The same way on any app. Wait until they're clearly invested, then offer options: "Want to move to text or Instagram? Here's fine too." Or share yours and let them decide whether to use it.

Should I give my number or my Instagram?

Instagram is lighter and lets you both see a bit of each other's real lives, which helps confirm someone is who they say. A number is more private and more useful once you're making plans. If you're asking, offer both and let them choose. If you're sharing, give whichever you're comfortable with.

What if they won't give me their number?

Plenty of people don't share a number until they've met someone. That's self-protection, not a verdict on you. Their engagement in the app tells you more than the number does, and so does how they respond when you suggest meeting.

Is it a red flag if someone wants my number right away?

Not always. Some people are just direct. But pulling you off the app quickly is also a common first move in romance scams, often followed by talk of investments, gift cards or a loan. Try "I like to chat here for a bit first" and see how they react. If they keep pushing or bring up money, stop talking to them and report the profile.