Red Flags & Consent · L1 · The FRIES principles

Silence isn't consent

After the movie, you're sitting by the river talking. You lean in slowly to kiss them. They don't pull back, but they don't look at you either. Their body is a little stiff, and they haven't said a word.

What does their silence mean?

Pick one answer

Lesson notes

A summary of this lesson to come back to. To make it stick, work through the steps above.

By the end you'll be able to

Recognize uncertainty and silence, then stop and ask.

Key ideas

Affirmative consent

What's under the silence

When people are nervous, scared or overwhelmed, they often freeze and can't get words out. It's an automatic stress response, not a choice. That's why "they didn't say no" can never stand in for "yes".

A yes you can see

Instead of asking "Did they say no?", ask "Did they say yes?" Affirmative consent looks for willingness you can actually see and hear. Whenever you're unsure, the answer is to pause.

How to pause and ask

Checking in doesn't have to be formal. One ordinary sentence is enough. The key is to stop what you're doing first, not ask while you keep going. And whatever they answer, you can take it.

Take these with you

✓Silence, stillness and not saying no all mean: no answer yet.
✓When words and body don't match, treat it as unsure. Pause, then ask.
✓When you ask, offer an out, so saying no costs nothing.

This week's mission

At least once this week, when someone gives you a vague answer, pause and ask, "Do you actually want to?"