Should You Make the First Move? 3 Situations Women Worry About

Sunday, 9:15 a.m., the end of your run club's loop. The guy who always finishes a minute ahead of you is stretching by the coffee cart again. In six weeks you've traded maybe a dozen words, most of them about the humidity. You could walk over. Instead you're running a full simulation: Would that be weird? Would he think I'm desperate? Would the whole group notice?

Should a woman make the first move? Yes, if you want to. The fear of coming across as too forward rests on a double standard: the same move that gets called confident when a man makes it gets called desperate when a woman does. Anyone who thinks less of you for saying hi first has told you something useful about himself.

What does take some care is the how. Make it easy to say yes and just as easy to say no. And if the answer is no, stop. That rule is the same for everybody, whoever goes first.

The examples use "he," since that's the situation most readers bring to us. Swap in anyone you're interested in and nothing below changes.

Why the first move feels so risky

Most of us grew up on some version of the script. Let him chase you. Men like the chase. If he wanted to, he would. Repeat those enough and you get an alarm that goes off the moment you think about initiating: what will people think? If that question runs a lot of your life, our self-check on caring what others think is a good place to start.

That alarm gets two things wrong.

First, it mistakes habit for nature. A lot of who-goes-first is convention. Bumble built an entire app around women messaging first, and plenty of couples got started because she spoke up. Researchers have even flipped the usual setup at speed-dating events, and the supposed gender gap in who's "pickier" shrank.

Second, it overestimates how harshly you'll be judged. Psychologists have found what they call the liking gap: after a conversation with someone new, people tend to underestimate how much the other person liked them. While you're replaying whether you talked too much, he's more likely thinking, "She was easy to talk to."

The one real risk is a no. Men face exactly the same one when they make the first move. A no is about this moment and these two people, not about whether you're worth liking, and our free lesson one no can't define you practices keeping those separate.

Situation 1: You only see him in one place

That's the run club guy, or someone from your climbing gym, your trivia night or the volunteer shift you do once a month. You know each other's faces. You've never really talked.

How to start: say one short thing about what's happening right there, then see if he picks it up.

"You flew up that last hill. Do you train during the week, or is that just showing off?"

It's tied to something you both just did, it's easy to answer, and it's no big deal if he doesn't run with it. If he turns toward you, asks something back or keeps it going, pick it up again next week. After a couple of these, "Want to grab coffee after next Sunday's run?" is a small, easy-to-decline invitation.

How to tell it's going somewhere: he asks you questions, adds to the conversation and says hi first the next time. If he answers in two words and puts his earbuds back in, today's not the day. Smile and leave it.

Don't: fire off personal questions (where he lives, whether he's seeing anyone, what he does), or start a conversation while he's clearly packing up to leave.

Situation 2: You've been texting for weeks and it's stuck in friendly

You met at a friend's birthday, swapped numbers and have been trading memes and long voice notes for three weeks. You've never been alone together. Your worry runs the other way: if you suggest something, he'll think you mean as friends, or saying what you actually mean will wreck the easy thing you've got.

How to start: a clear invitation that makes it obvious this is a date, not a hangout.

"I'd like to take you to that new taco place Friday. Just us, like a date. If that's not where your head's at, no hard feelings, and I'll keep sending you terrible memes."

"Like a date" does a lot of work. He doesn't have to guess. The memes line gives him a graceful way out, so a no doesn't have to mean the friendship is over.

How to tell he's interested: a quick yes, or "Friday's bad, how about Saturday?" with his own time attached, are both good news. "Things are crazy right now, maybe sometime" with no alternative is your answer for now.

Don't: hide the invitation inside a group plan and wait to see whether he peels off with you, or drop hints like "someone should take me to that place." When a hint doesn't land, you never learn whether he wasn't interested or just didn't catch it.

Situation 3: You want to tell him you like him

You've been out a few times, just the two of you. You know how you feel and you're tired of guessing.

How to start: say what you feel, don't demand an answer on the spot, and leave a door open.

"I want to tell you something. I like you, as more than a friend. You don't have to say anything right now, and if you don't feel the same way, that's completely okay. I'd just rather you tell me."

Then you can change the subject and let it sit. Needing a minute to think is normal. If you're not that sure yet and just want a lighter way to find out where he stands, our free lesson not sure? ask has gentler versions.

Don't: say it in front of your friends, three drinks in, or the week he's dealing with a breakup or a crisis at work. The other common misstep is pressing "So... what do you think?" until a confession turns into a timed quiz. For how to handle a yes, an "I don't know" or a no, see how to ask someone if they like you.

A first-move formula you can borrow

Strip the lines above down and they share the same four parts:

Fill in all four and you've made a low-pressure first move. Our interactive lesson making the first move is great lets you build one for your own situation.

The rule that applies to everyone: stop at no

Women making the first move sometimes get treated as the "safe" side, as if turning down a woman barely counts. It doesn't work that way. When you initiate, the same rules apply:

1. Ask once, specifically. A no, or "maybe" with no alternative time, means you stop there.
2. Don't ask why. It sounds caring, but it puts him in the position of defending his answer.
3. If he gives a real conflict, hand him the next step. "I'm out of town that weekend" can get "No worries, let me know if you want to do it another time." No need to fire back three new dates.
4. Don't send a mutual friend to investigate. Turning it into a group project makes anyone feel cornered.
5. Say hi normally afterward. Don't avoid him, don't go cold and don't put on a show of how great your life is.

It works the other way too. If he says yes to tacos, he's said yes to tacos. Going first doesn't mean he owes you anything, and it doesn't mean you have to do all the pursuing from here on.

You'll know you got the balance right when you're not glued to your phone after asking, and when, yes or no, you can still nod at each other next Sunday. More on mindset and confidence lives on our mindset topic page.

FAQ

Is it desperate to text a guy first?

No. Send something specific and easy to answer, then see how he responds. What you get back is information, not a penalty. Our guide on how to text a guy you like covers what to send and how to read his replies.

Do guys like it when a girl asks them out?

Plenty do, and many say it rarely happens to them. That said, "guys" don't share one opinion, and the only way to find out what this particular guy thinks is to ask. If he's interested in you, being asked won't change that.

What if I make the first move and then I'm the one doing all the work?

After you've initiated once or twice, pause and see whether he suggests the next plan. Effort should run roughly both ways. If he only ever says yes and never asks, you can ask him directly where he stands, or put your energy back into your own life. Our guide to the signs he likes you lays out what real investment looks like.

He said he "likes to do the chasing." What does that mean?

It might be a genuine preference, or a polite no. Either way, take it at face value. There's no need to start pretending to be passive to fit his script.

Can we still be friends if he says no?

Often, yes, just not necessarily right away. Give it a little space and say hi normally when you see him. If you notice that staying friends is really waiting for him to change his mind, step back a bit for your own sake.