What Are Personal Boundaries? 4 Types and Examples of Boundaries

What are personal boundaries? They're your sense of what's okay with you, what isn't and where the line sits, plus what you'll do when someone reaches it.

"I don't go back to someone's place on a first date" is a boundary. "You're not allowed to invite me back to your place" isn't. That's a rule for somebody else. The difference is the subject of the sentence. A boundary is about your own actions, which is why you can hold it whether or not the other person cooperates.

Below are the four kinds that come up most in dating: physical, emotional, digital and time. At the end there's a short worksheet for drafting your own.

4 types of personal boundaries, with dating examples

Physical boundaries: who touches you, how and when

• You'd rather wave goodbye after a first date than hug.
• Holding hands is fine. An arm around your waist on a crowded train is not.
• Before things get more physical, you want to talk about birth control and testing.

Saying it can be simple: "I'm more of a wave-goodbye person. Nothing personal." If it gets crossed, what you do is step back, move their hand, or say "I'm not comfortable with that."

One thing makes physical boundaries different: the other person should ask even if you never said a word. You don't have to announce every physical limit in advance. Checking is the job of the person who wants to get closer.

Emotional boundaries: how fast, how deep, and whose feelings are whose

• You don't want to get into exes or family stuff before the third or fourth date.
• "I love you" at week two, or meeting their parents in the first month, is too fast for you.
• You're happy to listen when they've had a bad day, but you don't want to be their 1 a.m. therapist every night.
• In a fight, you won't stay in a conversation where you're being yelled at. You'll call a pause.

Saying it: "I'm not ready to talk about that yet. Ask me again in a few weeks."

People often mistake emotional boundaries for coldness. What they really handle is a practical problem. You can care about someone's disappointment or loneliness without fixing it by giving up your own limits.

Digital boundaries: phones, texts and social media

• You don't share passcodes or turn on location sharing.
• Photos of you get posted only after you've said okay, and no tagging in stories.
• Your texts don't get screenshotted into their group chat for analysis.
• You don't answer texts after midnight, and that doesn't mean you're upset.

Saying it: "I like to okay photos before they go on Instagram. Totally fine if you want the same rule." The second half matters. It makes the boundary a rule you both get, not an accusation. Whether partners should see each other's phones has its own article: should you check your partner's phone.

Time boundaries: where your hours go

• One weeknight date a week, max, and one weekend day stays yours.
• Thursday is climbing gym night, and you won't cancel it for a date.
• You don't love surprise visits, like someone showing up outside your office at 6 p.m.
• On a work night, you want to be home by ten.

Saying it: "Thursdays are my climbing night. Does Friday work?" Offering a time you really can do is easier to hear than a bare "I can't." If the whole relationship feels like it's speeding, relationship moving too fast has a step-by-step way to slow it down.

Why a boundary is about "I will," not "you can't"

Because you can't control someone else's behavior. A rule you make for another person only holds up if you monitor it, check it and punish them when they break it, and that's how a "boundary" turns into control. A boundary phrased as "I will" only needs you. Whatever they choose, you still have a way to take care of yourself.

Adlerian psychology has a name for this: separating tasks. Whether they do something is their task. How you respond when they do is yours. Our free lesson whose task is it? has exercises for sorting out your own situations.

Turning a rule into a boundary usually looks like this:

Everything in the right column is something you can do alone. It isn't a punishment. It's how you look after yourself. For the full test of where a boundary ends and control begins, see boundaries vs. control.

Three myths about boundaries

"Too many boundaries push people away." It's common to think so, but it often runs the other way. People with clear boundaries tend to get closer more easily, because they know what they'll do if something stops feeling okay. And when someone can say no, you can trust their yes.

"You need a good reason." You don't. "I don't like it" is a reason. You can explain more if you want, but an explanation isn't a permission slip, and your boundary doesn't stop counting because they disagree with your reasons. That's the idea behind our lesson no reason needed.

"Once you set a boundary, it's fixed." It can move in either direction. Not wanting a hug on date one and wanting one on date five is normal. So is no longer being okay with something you used to be fine with. When it changes, say so, so the other person can keep up.

Draft your own: yes, maybe, no

Grab your notes app and do three things:

1. Read each situation below and mark it yes, maybe or no, going with your gut.
2. For every maybe, write the condition. Maybe if what?
3. For every no, write one sentence that starts with "If this happens, I'll..." The subject has to be you.

The situations:

• A hug goodbye on a first date
• Meeting their friends in the first month
• Sharing passcodes or locations
• Being posted on their Instagram
• Them showing up at your place or work without asking
• Talking about exes on date two or three
• A call or FaceTime every night
• Spending every weekend day together

Filled in, it might look like this:

You don't need to show anyone this. It's for you. Next time something comes up, you won't have to figure it out on the spot, because you'll already know. For the handful of lines in a relationship that would make you leave, our lesson when it's time to leave helps you turn them into a list.

Knowing where your boundaries are is half of it. Saying them out loud is the other half, and how to say no without feeling guilty has six scripts for that. If you've said it and they keep ignoring it, see when someone ignores your boundaries. More on consent and boundaries lives on our consent topic page.

FAQ

What's the difference between a boundary and a dealbreaker?

A dealbreaker is a boundary at its hardest: the kind where, if it's crossed, you leave. Think violence, threats or cheating. Most boundaries are more like preferences you can talk through and adjust. Dealbreakers don't need negotiating. You just need to know what you'll do.

What are healthy boundaries in dating?

Ones you can say out loud, that the other person can understand, and that you actually act on when they're crossed. Healthy boundaries also leave room for the other person to have their own. More isn't better and stricter isn't better. The goal is limits you can hold without needing to control anyone.

Will setting boundaries make my partner feel rejected?

They might feel a little let down, which is normal. Lead with "I" and include the part where you like them: "I love going out with you. I want to keep Sundays for myself." If they're disappointed for a minute and then adjust, that's a very good sign.

What if someone else's boundary bothers me?

Their boundary is about them, just as yours is about you. You can tell them how it feels, and you can decide whether the relationship works for you. What you can't do is ask them to drop it so you feel better. If you notice yourself wanting to, that anxiety is worth a closer look.