What to Talk About on a First Phone Call With a Date

It's 9:52 p.m. The call is at ten. You've got a list in your Notes app called "call topics," and every item on it looked fine an hour ago and now sounds like something a substitute teacher would ask on the first day.

Here's the good news about what to talk about on a phone call with someone you like: the topics matter less than three things around them. Agree on roughly how long you'll talk. Keep a few easy topics in your back pocket. Know how you'll say goodbye. With those in place, a three-second pause stops feeling like the call is collapsing, because you know where it's headed.

This works the same whoever you're calling, so we'll say "they." First the setup and the first thirty seconds, then the eight topics, then pauses and how to land it.

Before the call: agree on a length

Keep the first call short. Fifteen to twenty minutes is plenty. Not because you couldn't talk longer, but because a rough end point relaxes everyone. They know this won't turn into a two-hour marathon, and you're not wondering how long you have to keep it going.

Build the length into the plan:

"I've got an early meeting tomorrow, so want to talk for twenty minutes or so around 9?"

That line gives you a natural end time and gives them an easy way to say tonight's not good. Our lesson on the 20-second voice note covers how to suggest a call so it stays an invitation, not a demand.

When they pick up, check once more: "Still a good time?" Agreeing to a call earlier and being free right now aren't the same thing.

What to say in the first 30 seconds

The worst opener: "Hey... so... what do you want to talk about?" It hands them the whole call, and now you're both stuck.

A better start has three parts: say hi, admit it's a little weird, and lead with something.

"Hi! Okay, it's officially strange to hear your voice. I'll go first: my upstairs neighbor is vacuuming. At 9 p.m. On a Tuesday."

Naming the awkwardness doesn't make it worse. It usually breaks it, because they're probably nervous too. If your hands are actually sweating, you can say so: "Fair warning, I'm a little nervous, I haven't done a phone call like this in a while." Pretending to be calm takes more effort than admitting you're not. Our free lesson on how to let yourself be nervous is built around exactly that.

8 easy topics for a first phone call

They roughly follow the shape of a call: warm-up first, the meatier stuff in the middle, and something that leads into the goodbye at the end. You won't need all eight. If it's going well, three or four will fill twenty minutes.

1. Where they are right now

The easiest topic is the present. "Wait, is that a dog I hear?" "Are you outside? It sounds windy." You both have material without having to think.

It also makes their life concrete. Knowing they take calls pacing around their kitchen tells you more than knowing their favorite color.

2. Something unfinished from your texts

Scroll back and find something they mentioned that never got its full story. "You said you were thinking about signing up for that pottery class. Did you?" It's easy to answer, and it shows you were paying attention.

People assume a call needs brand-new material. Usually the best stuff is whatever got cut short in text.

3. Text-them vs. phone-them

Almost everyone has a little "oh, so that's how you talk" moment on a first call. Use it. "You text like a calm, organized person. You talk like you've had three espressos." Or turn it on yourself: "I'm way smoother over text. This is the real me, sorry."

Keep it about the gap between the two versions, not a rating of their voice. That's the line.

4. The funniest or worst small thing from your week

When it's your turn, bring one specific story. "I rode two stops past mine this morning because I was so into a podcast about how smart octopuses are." It's small, it has a picture in it, and they don't have to respond with anything deep.

A call where you ask and they answer turns into a job interview fast. Share one thing and they'll usually trade you one back.

5. Food, with opinions

Food is one of the safest bets on the list because everyone has takes. "What's your order at a diner at 2 a.m.?" "Burrito: rice or no rice?" No right answers, plenty of room to argue, and it often leads to where they grew up and what they miss about it.

6. "How did you end up...?"

"What do you do?" gets answered in a sentence. "How did you end up doing that?" gets a story. The same swap works anywhere. Not "Do you like hiking?" but "Who got you into hiking?"

It sounds like real curiosity instead of a form you're filling out. Our lesson on curious questions has more practice turning filler questions into ones you actually want answered.

7. A low-stakes debate

"Is it okay to recline your seat on a plane?" "Airport two hours early, or walking up as they close the doors?" Tiny disagreements get you teasing each other, and hearing someone laugh on the phone does more than any perfect question.

If you genuinely disagree, laugh and let both answers stand. Nobody needs to win the airport debate.

8. What's coming up

Near the end, talk about the weekend or something they're looking forward to. If you both want to meet, it can come up naturally here, but don't turn the call into a moment where they have to commit on the spot. "I'll text you about getting that coffee" lets them answer in their own time.

Awkward silence on a phone call: what to do

Silence on a call feels longer than silence in person, because you can't see their face. You don't know if they're thinking, sipping water or done talking.

Start by accepting that a three-second pause is normal. It's not a failure. Often they're working out an answer to what you just asked, and jumping in cuts them off.

A few moves that work especially well on the phone:

• Think out loud. "Hmm, let me think about that one." Now they know you haven't dropped the call or checked out.
• Go back to something. "Okay, wait, back to the pottery class. Did you make anything yet?"
• If it's been a while, say so. "My brain just went completely blank. What are you up to right now?"

What doesn't help: filling every second with "yeah, yeah, totally," or throwing out a giant unrelated question to rescue it. For the different kinds of silence and which ones need fixing, see awkward silence in conversation.

Topics to save for later

Not off-limits forever, just early for call number one:

• Exes. If they bring one up, listen. Don't dig for details.
• Salary, debt, rent. It starts to sound like a background check.
• Marriage and kids timelines. You're still finding out whether you two can talk.
• Anything sexual. You can't see their face, so you can't tell if they're uncomfortable, and they can't easily shut it down with a look.
• Rapid-fire questionnaires. Five questions in a row about age, siblings and zip code would make anyone want to hang up.

How to end the call: plan your "I'll let you go"

The best time to hang up is while you're both still having fun. End in a lull and the lull is what they remember. End mid-laugh and they remember the laugh.

When it's about time, use the reason you set up at the start:

"Okay, I'll let you go, I've got that early meeting. This was really fun. You're a lot funnier out loud than over text."

If they say first that they need to go, take it right away: "Of course, go! Night." Don't push for "five more minutes."

Should you text afterward? A short one is nice ("That was fun, night!"). Skipping it is fine too. Skip the long recap, and don't immediately try to schedule the next call. Next time, just ask again. If you're still deciding whether to suggest a call at all, start with text vs. phone call when you're dating.

If your mind tends to go blank around someone you like, nervous around your crush has more on that. For when you meet in person, see what to talk about on a first date. More on texting and calls lives on our texting topic page.

FAQ

How long should a first phone call last?

Fifteen to twenty minutes is a good target. Mention a rough length when you set it up, end on time if it's going well, and let the next call run longer.

Is it normal to be nervous before a phone call with someone you like?

Very. Keep a few topics written down next to you, and let yourself be nervous instead of fighting it. Saying "I'm a little nervous" out loud usually gets a laugh and relaxes both of you.

They were really quiet on the call. Does that mean they're not interested?

Not necessarily. Some people are quieter on the phone, or take a beat to think before they answer. Look at the whole picture: did they ask you anything, laugh, or seem open to talking again? If none of that happened, go back to texting next time.

Should you have a phone call before a first date?

It's optional, but it helps. A short call can make meeting feel less like meeting a stranger, and it gives you a sense of how the two of you talk. If they'd rather skip it and just meet, that's fine too.