Should You Change Yourself for Someone? Growth vs. Pleasing

Should you change yourself for someone? Sometimes, yes. Every relationship changes both people, and a partner who won't move an inch for anyone isn't much of a catch. The real question is what kind of change you're making. Some changes are just what sharing a life looks like. Some make you more yourself. And some quietly delete you, one hobby and one opinion at a time.

One question sorts most of them: if this relationship ended tomorrow, would I keep this change?

We'll say "he" below, because most of the readers who ask us this are women dating men. The pattern itself has no gender. Anyone can shrink themselves for anyone.

Three kinds of change, side by side

From the outside, the middle and right columns can look alike. You picked up something new, you stopped doing something old. The difference is underneath: what's driving the change, and whether it adds to you or subtracts from you.

Changes you'd make anyway: that's just sharing a life

When two lives overlap, both people bend. He's up at 6, so you stop calling at midnight. You're vegetarian, so he learns three dishes without meat. You both start leaving the bathroom cleaner than you did when you lived alone.

None of this is "changing for someone" in the worrying sense. It's the same kind of adjustment you'd make for a roommate, a coworker or a friend crashing on your couch for a week. If you're agonizing over whether moving your gym time to match his counts as losing yourself, it almost certainly doesn't.

The one thing to watch in this column is balance. If you're always the one adjusting, and his schedule, plans and habits never move, that isn't compromise. It's a one-way street dressed up as compromise.

Changes that grow you: adding, not subtracting

Psychologists who study close relationships describe a process called self-expansion. Part of what makes a new relationship exciting is taking on a piece of the other person's world: their interests, their friends, the way they see things. You end up with more than you had.

That's the good version of changing for someone. He drags you to a jazz club and it turns out you love it. He talks conflicts through, and over a year you learn to do that too, instead of sulking for two days. You started running because he runs, and now you run when he's out of town.

Two signs a change is growth:

• It's yours now. You'd do it without him there, and you'd probably keep doing it if he were gone.
• It added something, and nothing important got cut to make room. You took up climbing and still see your friends on Saturdays.

Some growth starts as his request. "Can you tell me when something bothers you, instead of going quiet?" asks you to change, and it's fair. It's about something you do, and the skill comes with you into any relationship you'll ever have.

It also helps to know which changes are fast and which are slow. A haircut, a new wardrobe or a tidier apartment can happen in a weekend. Saying no, disagreeing out loud and asking for what you want take months. If what he cares about is the slow kind and you're getting there gradually, that's normal. Our free lesson outside changes fast, inside changes slow explains why the two run on different clocks. The scenarios are written for men, and the idea applies to anyone.

Changes that erase you: when the subtraction starts

This column rarely arrives as one big decision. It's a pile of small ones.

You skip pottery once because he wanted to see a movie, and then it's easier not to go back. You laugh a little more quietly because he once said your laugh was "a lot." You stop mentioning the podcast you love because he rolled his eyes at it. You see your college friends less because he finds them exhausting. Six months later someone asks what you've been up to, and the honest answer is "him."

Underneath, it's almost always fear: if I'm too much myself, he'll leave. So you give more and give up more to keep him. The irony is that what drew him to you in month one was probably attached to exactly that stuff. Your opinions, your weird podcast, the way your face changes when you talk about pottery. What makes someone want to know you better isn't a checklist of qualities. It's what you care about and how you talk about it. Our lesson technique is the frame, passion is the fuel makes the same point about first dates: smooth isn't the same as alive.

Erasing yourself also puts weight on him, whether he asked for it or not. When your whole life orbits his, his moods become your weather, and he can feel it. Some partners respond by pulling back, which makes you more afraid, which makes you give up even more. That loop is the heart of our free lesson giving without a self isn't devotion.

Research on breakups points the same way. People often feel less sure who they are after a relationship ends, and that tends to hit harder when more of their identity had merged into the couple. Keeping your own friends, interests and opinions is how you make sure there's still a you if things go wrong.

The would-I-keep-this-if-they-left test

Here's the test in full. Pick one change you've made since you started seeing him, and ask:

• If we broke up tomorrow, would I keep doing this?
• Did I choose it, or was I mostly avoiding his reaction?
• Did it add something to my life, or did I drop something to make room?
• When I tell my closest friend about it, do I sound proud or defensive?
• When I picture going back to how I was, do I feel relief?

How to read your answers: if you'd keep it, it's yours. If you'd drop it the same week and feel relieved, it's a costume. And if you honestly can't picture who you'd be without him, that answer deserves the most attention, even if everything else about the relationship seems fine.

One more quick check. Write down three things you did regularly before you met him. Are you still doing at least one?

When he's the one asking you to change

So far this has been about changes you make on your own. When he asks, the same columns apply, but there's a sharper line to draw.

Fair requests are about a specific behavior and how it affects him. Erasing requests are about who you are, who you see and what you wear, and they often come with a sting.

If you're hearing the right column a lot, this stopped being a question about growth. Criticism of your friends, your clothes and your personality, especially mixed with "nobody else would want you," is a recognized pattern of control. Signs of manipulation in a relationship has a self-check, and negging explains compliments that come with a hook.

With fair requests, you can agree to the behavior and keep the identity. "I'll text when I'm running late. I'm still going to see my friends on Saturdays." Both halves of that are reasonable, and they fit in the same breath.

If pleasing shows up with everyone, not just him, people pleasing in dating covers where the habit comes from. For what a balanced relationship looks like day to day, see signs of a healthy relationship. More on this lives on our mindset topic page.

FAQ

Is it wrong to change for love?

No. Love changes people, and plenty of those changes are good ones. It becomes a problem when the change is mostly subtraction, driven by fear of losing someone, and you'd undo it the week they left.

How do I know if I'm losing myself in a relationship?

Look for subtraction. You've stopped seeing friends, dropped hobbies and stopped voicing opinions, and things that used to be normal for you now come with worry about how he'll react. If friends say they never see you anymore or that you seem different, take it seriously.

He says he likes me but wants me to change. What does that mean?

It depends on what he wants changed. A specific behavior that affects him, like running late or going silent in fights, is a normal thing to talk about. If it's your looks, your friends or your personality, he may like an idea of you more than you, and that's worth saying out loud.

How do I get myself back after changing too much?

Start with one thing you dropped and bring it back quietly. Rejoin the class, call the friend, wear the thing. Then tell him plainly: "I stopped doing some things I love, and I'm picking them back up." A partner who's good for you will be glad to see it.