Attraction · L1 · Rebuilding your sense of self

Giving without a self isn't devotion

You've been dating her for four months. You've listened to every band she likes and gone to every one of her friends' get-togethers. Your Thursday basketball game? You stopped going ages ago. One night she says, "It kind of feels like you don't have a life of your own."

What is she most likely telling you?

Pick one answer

Lesson notes

A summary of this lesson to come back to. To make it stick, work through the steps above.

By the end you'll be able to

Tell why knowing who you are and taking someone seriously can exist at the same time.

Key ideas

Sense of self
Equal investment

The fear-of-losing-her loop

When giving comes from fear of losing her, you give more and more. Friends, hobbies and opinions go one by one, until only giving is left. She can't see you, and she feels the weight of it. Things get tense, you fear losing her even more, and you give up even more.

Two whole people

Agency comes before investment: there needs to be a clear you for your giving to mean something. Equal investment doesn't mean keeping score on everything. It means both people want to give, and both keep their own friends, interests and opinions.

Take these with you

✓Devotion doesn't mean disappearing. Giving without a self becomes pressure on the other person.
✓Knowing who you are and being serious about someone can exist together.
✓When you want to help, ask what she needs instead of going all in at once.

This week's mission

This week, bring back one small thing you once gave up for someone else, and casually tell the people close to you about your plans.